5@5 - Richard Martin
April 22nd, 2011
05:00 PM ET
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5@5 is a daily, food-related list from chefs, writers, political pundits, musicians, actors, and all manner of opinionated people from around the globe.

Just because you're a dude doesn't mean your culinary ventures have to be modeled after Epic Meal Time. Sometimes, a man just wants to make a really, really good omelet - without it being bacon-wrapped or deep-fried.

For such times comes chef Marcus Samuelsson's FoodRepublic.com, a food and lifestyle website specifically geared toward food-obsessed men, and its editorial director Richard Martin.

Five Kitchen Tricks Every Man Should Know: Richard Martin

1. Chop an onion (without shedding a tear)
"Whether you're chopping something for a meal that you're making or just helping out your wife/girlfriend/partner by offering to play sous chef, knowing how to dice, mince and - if you want to get fancy - julienne, are essential skills -  especially if you're gonna tackle the onion.

The onion is one of the toughest things to master, but it's actually pretty easy. If you've got basic knife skills, just cut off the top part opposite the root, then slice or dice as much as you can in an orderly fashion before going back at it when the pieces are on your cutting board.

Then keep dicing as much as the recipe calls for: dice is least chopped, fine dice slightly more,and minced is basically tiny little pieces.

As for how to do this without being reduced to a blubbering mess, you can:  (A) chop the onion under cold running water; (B) try putting the onion in the freezer for 10 minutes before chopping; or (C) try keeping cold water in your mouth while you're cutting."

2. Flip an omelet
"One of the best ways to a girl's heart is through a delicious breakfast. And while scrambled eggs are good and all, a tasty cheese omelet with tomatoes or veggies will really impress.

It's not exactly easy, but it's totally doable. Just heat up a small or medium nonstick pan (or a regular pan, but you want it to be really hot), drop in a chunk of butter, and pour in a couple of slightly whisked eggs so that they cover a thin layer across the bottom of the pan.

Once they've set just a bit and there's still some runny bits across the top, use a spatula and tilt the pan from side to side so that you have one solid mass of egg in the pan.

Then, either use the spatula to gently flip it, or if you're feeling brave, toss the pan skyward and flip it in the air. Quickly add the toppings, fold the omelet in half and serve with toast."

3. Make a damn good burger
"This is actually harder than you think. You can't buy pre-made patties. They're just bad. So what you have to do is get a good lean ground beef mix, about 80 percent lean (you do want a bit of fat). Then you can get a bit creative, mixing all sorts of things into the ground beef, from simple things like salt and pepper to fancier things like a steak sauce or onion mix.

Food Republic's basic burger recipe calls for the addition of egg, Worcestershire sauce and breadcrumbs - and it makes a simple yet delicious burger that has a bit of a meatball flavoring to it. Top it with bleu cheese or some sharp cheddar, and you will win friends and influence people."

4. Quickly assemble a good mix on iTunes
"Nothing sets the mood in the kitchen better than the right music. Whether you're cooking, playing sous chef or just observing - actually, especially if you're just observing; try to make yourself useful! — it's essential to have the appropriate music playing while you or your partner/date is cooking.

The genius mode in iTunes and Pandora have made this a simple enough task, and they provide a decent shortcut, but if you're a real man, you should know if the mood calls for jazz, Jay-Z or jams. Make the mix yourself while waiting for the water to boil or the spaghetti to cook or whatever. Music not only sets the mood, it can make the food taste better."

5. Whip up a quick three-course meal
"Here's the scenario. Your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend has been texting all afternoon, complaining about work, their boss, their life. What do you do?

Do you: (A) tell them to "man up"; (B) console them with empty words like 'sorry to hear that'; or (C) hurry to the market, beat them home and put together a fantastic little quick and easy three-course meal?

If you said (C), you're right, and here's what you do: Get a head of green or red leaf lettuce; an onion; a box of linguine; a decent jar or container of store-made tomato sauce, or just some tomatoes and garlic; a loaf of Italian bread or baguette; a container of ice cream or sorbet; and a candle.

By now, you should know how to quickly turn this into a simple meal of a salad, pasta and dessert that will quickly restore your mate's faith in life. What happens next is up to you, but if you've gotten this far, I trust you'll know what to do after dessert is over (if you don't skip that last course entirely)."

Is there someone you'd like to see in the hot seat? Let us know in the comments below and if we agree, we'll do our best to chase 'em down.

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Filed under: 5@5 • Think

soundoff (247 Responses)
  1. Zak

    Pasta, bread and ice cream! Perfect! America isn't fat enough already.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm |
  2. likeIcare

    very, very sad article. No real thought, no substance, no good food here. I'd offer up more but I have Mexican crepes to put together for dinner.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm |
    • likeIcare

      have to add that processed tomato sauce & paste really gets me worked up, let's skip that dessert. All the good contributers taking the weekend off, and you're left with this?

      April 22, 2011 at 9:00 pm |
  3. Troy from S'port

    I hope this guy can cook much better than he can write.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:50 pm |
  4. Noddy93

    sending Apple money every single i'm in the kitchen is why I have eleven children. thanks for making me able to cook Mr. Jobs.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:42 pm |
  5. Quackles

    You missed the most important bit of advice! Make sure you fart in everything you cook!

    April 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm |
  6. AP

    I feel dumber for having read this. Apparently, according to Mr. Martin I was dumb before I read it since he thinks I need help to cook a pasta, salad, and italian bread dinner.
    How can you call spaghetti and sauce in a can fantastic?

    There is 0% substance to this article.
    Thanks for assuming men can't cook at all. Please quit from CNN and write books on how to cook in Easy-Bake ovens for small children.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:29 pm |
    • Noddy93

      I don't know what you're thinking... cooking with the power of a filament light bulb is far beyond this cat's talents.... and a horrid idea on Earth Day.

      April 22, 2011 at 8:44 pm |
  7. mobley

    I liked the part in which he suggests omelette pan gymnastics : "toss the pan skyward and flip it in the air". Personally I hold onto the pan and just flip the omelette

    April 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm |
  8. I Just Can't Wait

    Next week's "how to" thrillers... "How to pour water out of a boot" and "Peeing a hole in the snow".

    April 22, 2011 at 8:21 pm |
  9. alex


    April 22, 2011 at 8:17 pm |
  10. ben

    you sir, just failed. we all fail, but your failure was posted on cnn. apparently you thought by saying "dude" and talking about your ipod and about getting laid that your article would speak volumes to males 18-35. i trust that once your superior reads these comments and reexamines your attempt to connect with people you wish you were hanging out with, you will hear about it . just think of me, and how red my face was for you as i read this tragedy. you are a nitwit.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:13 pm |
    • selwin


      April 22, 2011 at 8:18 pm |
  11. Men go in the kitchen?

    What do you wear SANDALS when you're cooking papaya too? Ferrys!

    April 22, 2011 at 8:07 pm |
  12. Fiona

    Three kitchen tips every woman should know:

    Pick a partner - man or woman - who knows how to cook, enjoys doing so, and cleans up after him or herself.

    Don't criticize your partner's cooking.

    If dicing onions bothers you, use shallots, teach your kids to do it, or trade off the chore with your partner. Or wear eyeglasses while chopping.

    A three-course meal is not a starch with a starch with ice cream for dessert, and a candle does not a romantic dinner make.

    if your partner likes to make omelets but the omelets are terrible, learn to say, "Oh, let me do that for you. I enjoy making them." That's what I did.

    April 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm |
  13. Kimball

    I couldn't believe CNN paid this fool to write this:
    " just cut off the top part opposite the root, then slice or dice as much as you can in an orderly fashion before going back at it when the pieces are on your cutting board."

    Wow, that was a profound breakthrough in onion-cutting. Go back to your cave.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm |
  14. TC

    What complete drivel. Did anyone read this before it was posted? Lettuce, a box of pasta and a jar of sauce? If that doesn't get your woman crazy with lust, what will? CNN – get some standards and fire Dick Martin – he's inept!

    April 22, 2011 at 7:54 pm |
    • Z

      TC, nice to see you here buddy

      April 22, 2011 at 9:01 pm |
  15. Julian Childs

    Cooking tips I've learned as a man...
    1. Cook pasta by putting pasta in boiling water for 10 minutes, add a little salt to water.
    2. Make oemlettes by cracking two eggs into a plastic bag, squeeze out the air in the bag and seal closed. Place plastic bag in boiling water for 13 minutes. You may add veggies, cheese, hot sauce to eggs.
    3. Popcorn! I'm great at cooking popcorn! Duh!
    4. Place chunks of cooked ham or chicken, along with a can of peas, and a diced onion into a crock pot. Add 1 can of gravy.Top with a layer of bisquick dumpling mixture (directions on the box). Cook on High for 3 hours.
    5. Thawed fish ( pollack, perch, bluegill, walleye) patted dry, placed on a dinner plate. Add lemon pepper and a teaspoon of margarine. Cover plate with a smaller plate. Cook in mocrowave for 4 minutes. Remove from mirowave and flip fish over. Cook 4 more minutes.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:51 pm |
    • Not a Good Idea

      Plastic bags made of polyethylene plastic have a softening point of about 195 degrees. Some bags also contain carcinogens. Boil omlets in a plastic bag if you will, just don't complain about your bad lot in life when you end up on chemo and radiation for your cancer.

      April 22, 2011 at 8:15 pm |
      • Julian Childs

        Thanks for the information about the plastic bags! I'll eliminate that recipe from my list!

        April 22, 2011 at 9:01 pm |
      • Jeepers

        I'm really glad someone said that.

        April 23, 2011 at 2:59 pm |
  16. GoodInTheKitchen

    Who cries when they cut an onion any more? When I was a kid, onions made me cry. Over the last 30 years the ag industry has changed your beloved onion and you no longer need any of these "tricks". Just cut the dang thing. Onions ain't what they used to be.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:42 pm |
  17. gnossos

    how about growing your own tomatoes, basil and garlic; making your own sauce and picking the salad from your garden... hell why not make your own pasta while we are at it... and don't forget to bake your own artisan loaf of bread. Don't put onions in your recipe if you expect to get any...sugar.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm |
  18. RichO

    Absurd. I can't believe a kitchen tip actually consisted of something entirely unrelated to cooking; a fricken iTunes playlist. What a hack. Fire this guy.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm |
    • Popeye

      Come on, why not rock out while cooking, something upbeat like the song Y M C A! Or a fine opera and time your cooking so your dinner is being served just as the fat lady sings?

      April 23, 2011 at 11:46 am |
  19. MikeyZ

    Richard Martin must be gay. Otherwise he'd know that, if you're cooking your girl breakfast, you're probably well past wondering whether or not you've won her heart.

    That aside, here is my 5@5. I guarantee it's way better than Martin's:

    1. Learn how to grill. Tri-tip, porterhouse, chicken breasts (bone and skin included and if you don't know why, stay the F away from my grill), spare ribs, and burgers. No marinades, sauces or rubs within thirty feet of the grill, and only two spices are allowed: salt and pepper.

    2. Learn how to bake a potato. It's easy and often overlooked: break the skin of a medium-sized potato with a knife, put it in the oven at 400degF for one hour. That's it.

    3. Learn how to make good chili. I have my recipe. It's none of your business.

    4. Serve good beer. An IPA from an established local microbrewery is best. Life's too short to drink the crap coming out of Milwaukee or St. Louis (yes, I know this is not really food advice, but then neither was Martin's #4).

    5. Pick one comfort food and learn to cook it well. Mine is mac & cheese. My wife's is shepherd's pie.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:39 pm |
    • Dover

      Well, you have spoken. Unfortunately your menu looks like something only a frat guy could appreciate. Broaden your scope a little and realize there is more than one way to do every single thing you mentioned.

      April 22, 2011 at 7:47 pm |
      • MikeyZ


        Frat guy? Really? That's really the best you can do?

        Got news for you, Sparky: that top five did not come from Friday nights at Delta House. It came from 25 years of repeat requests from friends and family. Plenty of academics on that list, but no Greek that I'm aware of.

        Besides, all I said was that my list was better than Martin's, not that he set the bar that high. Yet I see you haven't the nuts so far to do better. So please, PTFU or STFU.

        *Now*, I have spoken.

        April 22, 2011 at 11:39 pm |
    • Melissa

      While I like your list a whole lot more than the author, I can't help but point out that being there during breakfast does not necessarily mean you won a girl's heart. Do we need another article on how not all women equate s*x with love?

      April 23, 2011 at 12:43 am |
      • MikeyZ

        Nice try, Melissa, but I submit to you that the phrase "well past wondering" was chosen carefully enough so as to leave some ambiguity in the matter. I thought to write "well past caring", but I found it a bit, well, "frat boy" :-)

        Regardless, thanks for affirming the list.

        April 23, 2011 at 11:54 pm |
  20. AO

    So this advice may not be earth-shattering for those over 25, but this is good stuff that a teenager should have under his (or her) belt before heading out into the world.

    Don't be so critical. This is a few minutes to give some pointers on how not to look like a tool, not a gourmet cooking class for the experienced chef. Besides, can you argue that these aren't things we should know how to do??

    April 22, 2011 at 7:34 pm |
  21. Matt

    "As for how to do this without being reduced to a blubbering mess, you can: (A) chop the onion under cold running water; (B) try putting the onion in the freezer for 10 minutes before chopping; or (C) try keeping cold water in your mouth while your cutting." – the article

    Meh. I recommend buying a gas mask at an army surplus store. Not only will it spare you the indignity of crying, it also makes an excellent conversation piece.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm |
  22. Ravi

    "The onion is one of the toughest things to master, but it's actually pretty easy."
    ummm what?

    April 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm |
  23. Brandon

    5 Things to know about cooking:
    1) Cooking real food is manly.
    2) That which comes in a can or a box is shit.
    3) Fresh vegetables taste good.
    4) Do ~not~ surprise your wife with a 3 minute meal she could have made at a hotel in her sleep.
    5) Do ~not~ listen to this stupid person.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm |
  24. mr.floyd

    Have a lit candle near your cutting board when chopping onions. 60% of the time, it works everytime.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm |
  25. david

    Actually I'd say this is an article that has a whole lot of application. Though the spaghetti might not be a 5 star meal its the thought behind it that actually means something. A girl that is actually not shallow will usually appreciate the gesture.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm |
    • Fiona

      My husband will go ahead and cook dinner if I'm late, and I appreciate it. But sometimes I'd much rather he'd used the time to clean the bathrooms or vacuum the house.

      April 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm |
      • Popeye


        April 23, 2011 at 11:47 am |
  26. Bubba gump

    Ground wut? Uh, I grind my own select blend right before cooking...gimme a break this article is complete drivel.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:28 pm |
  27. Quintus

    Actually, you don't have to flip an omelet at all...it'll cook without flipping. Just slide it onto the plate and just before it is completely out of the pan, use the edge of the pan to fold it.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:28 pm |
    • Raw foods can contain harmful pathogens

      The flipping is so the other side cooks completely. I guess on really low heat it could cook through all the way, but serving it "gourmet" style with the inside slightly raw is gross and dangerous.

      April 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm |
  28. Erik

    Ok, I stop reading at the first grammatical error. It's in the chopping the onion section, part C. It's YOU'RE not your. I am so sick and tired of the lazy writing and editing. No really.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm |
    • Dover

      "No really" is not a complete sentence.

      April 22, 2011 at 7:42 pm |
      • Erik

        I meant: no really, dick?

        April 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm |
      • rafael

        Erik violates his own worthless criticism and then thinks it makes him look good to come back with an insult when he's called on it. Now there's the sign of a real man.

        April 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm |
    • Karma

      I *stopped* reading Erik's reply after the third word.

      April 23, 2011 at 12:23 am |
    • lance corporal

      I stop reading should be I STOPPED reading, you know what I hate?? grammar nazi's, this is not an 8 th grade english paper it's the internet and if you understood it's meaning then fine, I hate grammar nazi's. no really!

      April 23, 2011 at 1:33 am |
      • Bill

        Use "it's" as a contraction for "it is" and nothing else. You used the word correctly in the first instance but not in the second. Capitalize Nazi, and don't pluralize it with an apostrophe.

        April 23, 2011 at 1:55 am |
      • greylance

        Bill's absolutely right. But he missed some errors. First, "I stop reading" is fine if the original author is talking about his habits in general, which I suspect he was. The first comma should be a period. The first instance of the word, "grammar," should be capitalized. The comma after "nazi's" should be a period, and "this" should be capitalized. (Bill already noted the inappropriate apostrophe.) "8th" should be one word, and "english" should be capitalized. Another period is needed after "paper," to avoid a run-on sentence there. Whether to capitalize "internet" is a style choice; I prefer capitalized, but your way is okay. What else is there? The rest of that sentence we just split needs two more commas, the comma before "I hate" needs to be a period, and the "no" should be capitalized. I recommend a comma between "no" and "really," as well. The sentence "No, really" is likely to be stylistically fine with most editors, despite technically appearing to be a fragment sentence, since it's elliptical: part of the sentence is implied, kind of the same way that "you" is implied in the imperative sentence "Jump!" So I'm okay with that one. Other than those errors, I think everything else you said was spot on. II totally agree with you that grammar nazis are the worst. They should all be hung. No, wait: hanged. Darn it.

        April 27, 2011 at 3:15 am |
  29. angela

    Funny how enraged ppl got over this article. "Go hang yourself"?? Pop some Lithium and chill.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:26 pm |
  30. Matt


    All you need to know is how to make a mess and feign stupidity. Once you master those skills, you will be relieved of kitchen duty.

    You're welcome.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm |
    • lance corporal

      yeah but then your THAT guy

      April 23, 2011 at 1:30 am |
    • Eric

      As previously stated you are "that guy"... Basically you are just another toolbag.

      April 23, 2011 at 11:59 pm |
  31. Duane W

    It still kills me that this country still sees men as inept and unable to maneuver in a kitchen. I have been doing the cooking as the main provider for 25 years as have other men I know. We have great careers and marriages and we understood a long time ago that the kitchen and laundry room were to be shared by both in the relationship. Seems to me the author is still living in the past and needs to realize men are involved just as much as the women. Think about who has the top cooking shows in the nation.....men.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm |
    • Jeepers

      And that, sir, is why you are still married. : ) Kudos.

      April 23, 2011 at 2:52 pm |
  32. Quintus

    Onions cry when Chuck Norris chops them

    April 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm |
  33. Greg

    When Chuck Norris chops the onion, it is *that onion* that cries.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:24 pm |
  34. Dover

    It makes more sense to but a decent onion. Yellow onions or old onions are the ones most likely to bring tears. Buy a sweet onion such as a Vidalia or Maui. They can be cooked or eaten raw while the yellow, or Bermuda onion is only decent when it is cooked. Sweet onions have far less caustic vapors. If you get a regular pan really hot, then put butter and a whisked egg in you will first:A; burn the crap out of the butter and then B; burn the egg and get it all crispy on the bottom. Not appetizing. And pre-made pasta sauce? I guess anyone can be published in a blog nowdays. He may have been right about the itunes, I didn't bother reading it.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm |
    • Erik

      It's iTunes.

      April 22, 2011 at 8:12 pm |
  35. Tanya

    Chop the onion under running water? Seriously? Has he ever done or even attempted this so-called tip? This is moronic advice.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm |
  36. eddie

    What kinda crap is this?

    1. A spatula is what you scrape batter from a bowl with. A turner turns things. Tard.

    2. It's hard to pick ground chuck up and make a patty? really? Hard for someone like you perhaps.

    3. Making a pox of pasta, and a can of sauce isn't cooking. You are a tool.

    4. how about when you cut your onion, you do so under the exhaust fan. That works moron.

    5. Itunes playlist? now you are just asking to be abused.

    How about this. Buy a cookbook. Something like Joy of cooking. Browse it, look for something interesting, and make it. Real food, from scratch.

    Go hang yourself.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:14 pm |
    • Dover

      The Joy of Cooking advice is such a great idea. Maybe the all around best manual for any classic dish, thoroughly tested recipes. More valuable than any of the popular pictorial books.

      April 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm |
    • Dan

      Only a pretentious a$$ thinks a turner isn't also properly called a spatula. Not saying you're wrong about the rest of the "article" though; I wouldn't give this as cooking instructions to a ten-year-old.

      April 22, 2011 at 11:04 pm |
    • Melissa

      For a newbie, the best book out there (in binder form so you can take out/add recipe pages) is the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. It has instructions for everything from how to properly cut, store, cook freeze food, to setting a table. For a relatively good cook, the annual America's Test Kitchen cookbook has the best version of every major recipe out there. It also gives recommendations on the best products/appliances (that are tested in its program).

      April 23, 2011 at 12:37 am |
      • Bill

        I even used BH & G today. They have a great chart for roasting turkey that I always use.

        April 23, 2011 at 1:48 am |
  37. Marge Mathis

    Men! And Women!

    There is an easier way to cope with the tear-inducing effects of the onion: Put your cutting board near the stove and TURN ON THE EXHAUST FAN!

    April 22, 2011 at 7:13 pm |
    • Bill

      When I chop onions I do one of two things:
      1) Wear ski goggles;
      2) Don't wear ski goggles, let the tears flow, and when the kids walk in the room tell them I'm still not over the death of Bambi's mother. It freaks them out and I get my jollies.

      April 23, 2011 at 2:00 am |
  38. fred

    Plain vinegar on the cutting board, chop the top off the onion, cut down through the root and peel. Take one half at a time, take five horizontal slices, then cut from the root out, not cutting THROUGH THE ROOT along the circumference of the onion. Then finally cut downward in slices as if you were slicing it down to the root. Viola: a diced, tearless onion. The vinegar essence will evaporate.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:10 pm |
  39. Sean

    How about changing the title... Because these days hardly any women know how to do any of those things either.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm |
  40. person

    Why is article directed at men specifically? Why can't it be everyone who needs to know this? Oh, but of course, the writer of this article assumes that all women already know this. *sigh*. Not really a useful article anyways.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm |
    • ifkabibbal


      April 22, 2011 at 7:44 pm |
  41. Climb

    Dice an onion.. excellent advice and I'll try that tonight (sarcastic). Richard Marin is a true man's man.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:04 pm |
  42. Julian

    I'm sure you are a master in the kitchen... because having an itunes playlist is a huge must. Do you have an itunes playlist for the bed room or how about when you take a shower? How about you keep writing about what you actually know and have experience with. BTW put your glasses back on so it can hide your lazy eye.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:03 pm |
    • BigD

      How about you post a picture of yourself so we can make fun of you? Tool...

      April 22, 2011 at 7:54 pm |
  43. JDH

    Ron Swanson would disapprove of the hamburger recipe.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:03 pm |
  44. eman

    Your S.O. is having a bad day, so you suggest cooking a crappy spaghetti dinner, consisting of noodles and a jar of sauce? You're not going to get any more credit than if you opened a can of Beef-a-roni. To make it special, you could serve a Zima with that gourmet meal.

    April 22, 2011 at 7:02 pm |
    • Dover

      "Zima" Lol!

      April 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm |
    • Home Deliveryman

      Take a lesson from Mrs. Doubtfire here if you really want to impress...

      April 22, 2011 at 8:01 pm |
      • Kuddln

        Mrs. DoubtFire ?! OMG... now it's the drag-dress rehearsal and the fake boobs to add to the cooking skills ! LMAO. I think a small hand-chopper would benefit in all this drama. Give me a break!

        April 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm |
  45. Travis


    April 22, 2011 at 6:59 pm |
  46. KB

    Condescending, trite advice. Real men already know how to do all these things and more. Dice an onion? If you have never diced an onion you don't deserve a mate.

    April 22, 2011 at 6:51 pm |
    • magnus

      thats the truth, some guys have no clue... they should have learned these things by watching some cooking shows instead of cage fighting.

      April 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm |
  47. Alberto

    try keeping a bread slice in your mouth while your dice the onion. The onion vapors will be absorbed by the porous surface of the bread slice. Give it a try and tell me a story

    April 22, 2011 at 6:50 pm |
    • Chop Shop

      With my mouth full of bread? Perish the thought!

      April 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm |
    • Sebastian van Gorder

      Another good way to avoid crying when dicing an onion. Place the onion on cutting board with root side down. Using 6 mil plastic sheeting and duct or packing tape, seal off all seven (yes, there are really seven) cephalic orifices. Chop the onion, taking care to keep fingers away from the end of the knife. Quickly walk across the room and remove tape/plastic from nose/mouth. Breathe deeply. If you are able to remain conscious to this point, you are doing well. Now, rub your belly while patting your head, click your heels three times and repeat the phrase "I'm a giant PoonTang" until you realize that you are, in fact, a bitch for not being able to cut a damn onion without having a crisis. Just cut the damn thing and hold your breath if you feel your eyes watering up the way they do every time you watch the final scene in "Benji: The Hunted". Extra tip: Use one of your spare maxi pads to dab up the tears if they do flow. Now, place the chopped onion onto a frozen DiGiorno Pizza, place the "Cheesy Brea Steeks" in the microwave and impress the pants off of the 16 year old hottie that you have locked up in your basement. Geesh.

      April 23, 2011 at 1:56 am |
      • ChefWes

        This is the funniest thing I have read all day!! Great laugh in the morning.

        April 23, 2011 at 11:42 am |
      • jp

        BUAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! makes working on a beautiful saturday bearable!

        April 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm |
      • Jerv@Sebastian van Gorder

        LMAO! And with a good laugh, I stop farting around on the internets this morning and get some work done. Thanks Sebastian van Gorder!

        April 25, 2011 at 9:32 am |
  48. JakeOlsen

    Wow.. "..then slice or dice as much as you can in an orderly fashion before going back at it when the pieces are on your cutting board." I like when he recommends getting a pan "really hot" for an omelette too. Clearly he is not of the greatest culinary skilled himself.

    April 22, 2011 at 6:49 pm |
    • EggBeater

      @Jake: I know nothing of Teflon non-stick pan cooking because I don't use it, but if you are cooking scrambled eggs or an omelet in a regular pan, then you must use either a pat of butter or spray it with PAM cooking oil and then get the pan really hot prior to adding the well whisked eggs. Richard may not know how to make a really good burger but what he described for an omelet in a regular pan was dead on. If the pan isn't hot, the eggs will stick regardless of the use of the butter or of the PAM.

      April 23, 2011 at 7:32 am |
  49. R.B.

    Proven: The women of this era expect men to do everything, that includes making money and cooking everything. My life.

    April 22, 2011 at 6:48 pm |
    • ifkabibbal

      What? You can't cook for yourself?

      April 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm |
      • R.B.

        I can most definitely cook for myself, that was the point. I was saying that women expect this of you while they cannot cook themselves. Disclaimer: I dare not suggest all women are like this.

        April 22, 2011 at 9:35 pm |
      • cooked my entire life

        My wife does a lot, but she is no cook. I do not know any woman 50 and younger who really knows how to cook.

        April 23, 2011 at 2:00 am |
      • chef dugan

        There is a cookbook on Amazon called Help-I Gotta Cook! that will make anyone a good cook.

        April 23, 2011 at 9:17 am |
    • Public Enemy Number 4


      /brings home the bacon and expected to cook it, then clean it up...

      April 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm |
      • Calvin

        Its payback for the generations of clubbing them over the head and taking them to our mancaves

        April 23, 2011 at 12:24 am |
      • only a size 10 1/2

        Have you been spying into my house?

        April 24, 2011 at 1:11 pm |
    • Popeye

      Don't forget to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen after you cook :(

      April 23, 2011 at 11:20 am |
  50. R.S.

    Proven: Richard Martin doesn't know how to dice an onion.

    April 22, 2011 at 6:39 pm |
    • Tim

      yeah, no shit!

      April 22, 2011 at 6:48 pm |
    • Sam I Am

      Agreed. I laughed when I read his onion "trick."

      April 22, 2011 at 6:52 pm |
    • Public Enemy Number 4

      that is NOT how to dice an onion...

      also, as a dude, i find this article incredibly insulting.

      should write 5 tips that every woman should know for doing dishes?

      April 22, 2011 at 7:49 pm |
      • cooked my entire life

        Agreed. My wife has relied on my cooking skills from the day we started dating. That was 30 years ago. Two tips for the women cooks I know – real food doesn't come in a box, and take the bag out of the turkey before putting it in the oven.

        April 23, 2011 at 1:54 am |
      • Brian (I'm not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that)

        Amen Brother, and just so everyone knows any real man cooks and well, & BTW any guy who doesn't know these "tricks" wouldn't be reading this article,get it? this thing is just another stereotyping of men as knuckle dragging idiots who can't provide for themselves in a domestic setting.

        April 23, 2011 at 2:23 am |
      • crisco

        HAHAHAHAH!!!! This guy is a jabroni!!!

        April 24, 2011 at 8:34 am |
      • I cook muslims

        From the dawn of time till today, men have always been around in the kitchen. Soooooo, when exactly was it that cooking became a "feminin" thing or not manly. Are the world's greatest male chefs not a man's man. Haven't men worldwide been getting some first date love throughout history by showing off their culinary expertise (since the mongloids hold such importance on getting laid).

        April 25, 2011 at 4:21 pm |
      • blurb4591

        Agree...I am tired of women who complain all the time, yet have no motivation to clean up after themselves, much less cook! My answer – pay them to leave, not to stay. Best deal going and I only cook for myself and have myself to clean up after. Swear off women and television and you will finally be as free as you can get in this lousy country.

        April 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm |
    • como?

      Or make an omelet.

      April 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm |
    • Joseph Arthur

      Seriously, what kind of suggestion is that with the Onion? Get a clue.

      April 22, 2011 at 7:55 pm |
    • Darryl Schmitz

      Chop the onion under cold running water? You're kidding. Okay... but after the onion has gone down the drain, then what?

      April 22, 2011 at 9:17 pm |
      • RJ

        hahaha... more like, when your fingers go down the drain. sharp metal objects and slippery conditions do not mix.

        April 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm |
    • Really?Chef7105

      ok,here is the real secret on how to slice or dice an onion w/o crying or ever shedding a tear if you are so afraid to cry in front of your lady,whatever! its easy,a tablespoon of lemon juice on the cutting board and the onion right on top as you slice and or dice.if you start to tear up after excessive slicing or dicing add more lemon juice.If you are making onion soup pour it on the cutting board. I promise you will never taste the lemon juice.Anyone who says you can is lieing or just jealous because you have the balls or ovaries to do this.With 20 yrs as an Exec Chef. I have no need to misguide you , just sharing a kitchen secret.

      April 23, 2011 at 12:20 am |
      • Glenn

        really? exec? you'd know that a) you chop enough onions no matter what, you're gonna cry. as a French chef would say, "maybe it is not the onion that is strong, but you that is weak." Get over it. b) no matter what wives tales there are, you cry because onions contain phosphoric acid gas. Chopping them releases this gas into the air, which your tear ducts react to in attempts to cleanse your eyes of the gas. The only two ways to combat this are use a sharp knife (which will have more of a separating effect to the microscopic compartments of this gas, compared to the crushing effect of a dull knife), and properly ventilate your kitchen - window open, ceiling fan on works great. We're not talking about a monumental mystery here people. Cooking is craft. Food is science. Don't confuse the two.

        April 23, 2011 at 3:30 am |
      • EggBeater

        Breathe through your mouth rather than your nose while cutting the onion. No more tears.

        April 23, 2011 at 7:38 am |
      • expat5yrs

        o just have a good cry, if nobody's looking. express your tearducts and sinuses.

        April 23, 2011 at 12:06 pm |
      • Eric

        I've always found that putting it in the fridge for a while and then only breathing through your mouth works just fine as mentioned above.

        April 23, 2011 at 11:53 pm |
      • KitchenChemistry

        @Glenn. Chopping an onion doesn't release a phosphoric gas. It releases a volatile sulfur compound called propanethiol S-oxide. The gas then reacts with the water in your tears to produce sulfuric acid which stimulates more tears to wash the acid away.

        April 24, 2011 at 7:50 am |
    • Edwin

      Blowing on the onion as you cut it helps - the acrid chemicals only hurt the eyes if they get near the eyes. I suppose a fan would work, too, though I've never tried that.

      April 23, 2011 at 12:27 am |
    • Glenn

      Thanks for the cooking tip regarding my itunes playlist... Aren't they paying you to be a COOKING columnist?!

      April 23, 2011 at 3:22 am |
    • Yandoodan

      He is (I think) assuming that you don't have a decent knife. Patronizing and insulting - but if you need the advice in this column, probably true. The true "secret" is to use a really sharp (shave your arm hair sharp) knife, so the the onion isn't ripped apart.

      April 27, 2011 at 6:27 pm |
    • Vin

      Was someone compensated for writing this?

      April 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm |
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