Four Loko holiday balls - you are too good a person to make these
December 23rd, 2010
02:30 AM ET
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Four Loko - no way you'd have any of that nasty stuff around. First of all, how would you? The sale of the caffeinated malt beverage has been banned in communities around the country. It's been said to cause hallucinations and blackouts, has driven a New York assemblyman to come thisclose to ralphing on camera, and plus? It's just kinda vile-tasting - like "mildly offensive...puréed gummi bears," per our associate editor.

You should not make your Christmas cookies with it.

You, as a sane, moral, righteous, productive member of society would never even DREAM of crushing up graham crackers until you had 2 1/2 cups worth of crumbs, mixing those with 2 cups of powdered sugar, then stirring in 1/4 cup of light corn syrup and 2 tablespoons of Rose's Lime Juice (or any other citrus cordial). And heaven knows, you would never even conceive of adding 1/2 cup fruit punch flavored Four Loko, making sure the mixture is thoroughly blended, then rolling up 1/2 inch balls of it and dredging those in additional powdered sugar. You are not a savage.

And heaven knows - and oh yea and verily all the seraphim within it must as well - that you would never bear these to an elegant holiday soiree where the newly-minted editor-in-chief of Bon Appetit would likely be (and indeed was) in attendance and stand in mute, eventually fruitless hope that he would unwittingly loft one to his learned palate and declare it the finest, most delicious, most festive malt liquor based holiday confection in all the land. Because it totally, totally is.

Not that you'll ever find out for yourself. Unless you're a bad person. (The line forms this way...)

They are also known as Holiday Huangs, named them after our fallen comrade chef Eddie Huang who lost one too many Four Loko-based battle against the New York State Liquor Authority. Our hearts are with you, hon.

four loko cookies

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Filed under: Christmas • Christmas • Eddie Huang • Holiday • HolidayShopping • Indefensible Food • Make • Recipes • Stunt Booze • Sweet

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soundoff (27 Responses)
  1. hates bad food

    makes smoking pot look like nothing. this is just hazardous to your health.

    December 29, 2013 at 1:51 am |
  2. Ryan

    I wonder if you made Four Loko balls, then boiled them in Four Loko, would you get Four Loko dumplings? You could serve them with beer gravy.

    November 23, 2011 at 11:19 pm |
  3. Seriously

    These look and sound nasty. Which places them firmly in the holiday cookie category, in my experience. Couple of notes to some of the commentators (I'm sure you'll figure out which goes to whom, people are brilliant that way). First, let's just take it as read the FourLoko is evil incarnate. Moving on from there.

    Kids have been getting stoned/high/wasted/tanked/drunk/smashed since before Cicero orated against Cataline in the decline of the Roman Empire. No one beverage actually deserves the vilification for the sad fact that teenagers make really crappy decisions, and we're all fairly lucky to survive to relative adulthood even if we were completely straight arrows.

    Second. Kids today are not likely to read CNN to discover a recipe for making these yuletide abominations...and even if they do they're not likely to actually bake them. Meth...that they'll cook, but a batch of hyped up rum balls? Probably not. And honestly, any parent not instantly suspicious of a teen voluntarily doing time in the kitchen when they're usually spending all of their time on Call of Duty really ought to expect to see their kid ralphing pink goo (which is what I assume happens if you eat one of these).

    Third. You think these are bad? Sweetie, you have obviously never been to a party where the thoughtful hosts have soaked all available fruit from cherries to watermelon in Everclear for two weeks. Those innocent looking bits of fruit can be used very effectively as topical anaesthetic in any dental procedure and quite possibly minor surgery as well.

    Last. Again under the "you think this is bad" heading. Try my aunt's rum balls. Seriously. And they let us kids eat them while our brains were still growing! Three or four of those little guys and you are officially impaired in at least 35 states and not legal to drive. And we ate them. As children. What were they thinking? Again, SO lucky to have survived to relative adulthood.

    BTW – loved the tone of this article. Well written, humerous. Probably won't make the balls unless FourLoko comes in some other flavor than Fruit Punch. Really hate fruit punch.

    November 22, 2011 at 12:39 pm |
  4. Claire Celsi

    I wish you would quit glorifying this dangerous substance. State after state is making it illegal, and you are elevating it to cult status. Please be responsible and take this article down. Claire Celsi, Iowa Alcoholic Beverages Commission Member

    December 27, 2010 at 7:22 pm |
    • me

      OH GOD SHUT UP!!!!!!

      November 22, 2011 at 12:44 pm |
    • bsrm

      It's not a dangerous substance, relatively speaking. Its just an energy drink + alcohol, by that line of thought drinking a cup of coffee and then a beer would be dangerous. Its just stupid people drinking too much, getting themselves hurt, then blaming the product.

      December 28, 2013 at 10:19 pm |
  5. Sam Meyer

    Good God, no.

    December 23, 2010 at 6:30 pm |
  6. The Witty One@Kat

    Kat Kinsman=My Hero

    December 23, 2010 at 4:20 pm |
  7. a. dee

    Hilarious. Ballsy (no pun intended) of you guys to serve this to the editor-in-chief of Bon Appetit.

    December 23, 2010 at 12:11 pm |
    • Kat Kinsman

      I will note for the record that I attempted to serve them to him to him, but he didn't actually eat one while I was there. They were over by the rest of the cookies, but as long as I was at the party, he stayed over by the country hams.

      December 23, 2010 at 1:55 pm |
      • Dave the 1st@Kat

        You're supposed to be on Vacation....WTF???

        December 23, 2010 at 1:59 pm |
  8. trinanicole

    Let me getthis str8# You get it banned from drinking..then teach how to eat it? Gr8 so we know who to blame

    December 23, 2010 at 11:57 am |
  9. Karl Blessing

    What's funny is they wrote this in the same context as one such writer did back during the prohibition teaching you how to make your own alcohol, but more in the form of "do not do this, do not do that".

    December 23, 2010 at 11:41 am |
  10. Rick

    Yes, cbizz. CNN is 100% responsible for bad parenting.

    December 23, 2010 at 10:47 am |
    • Karl Blessing

      Cuz we all know that CNN/MSNBC/FOX and other news channels are strictly for kids...

      December 23, 2010 at 11:45 am |
  11. cbizz

    Great. Why don't you give teenagers another way to bring contraband into schools un-noticed? Oh, yeah, that's right. You just did CNN. Congratulations, you've just lost me to MSN,

    December 23, 2010 at 10:39 am |
    • Karl Blessing

      I'd like to see where they suggested it to teenagers, also just how bored do some teens need to be to be looking up cnn for stuff like this versus spending time on some facebook app?

      December 23, 2010 at 11:43 am |
    • Tampa, Esq.

      Lighten up dude.

      Here, have a 4 Loko Ball, you'll feel better.

      December 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm |
    • RichardHead@Cbizz

      Wow,that makes 2 viewers ! They are coming up in the Polls.

      December 23, 2010 at 2:04 pm |
    • nabnob

      No teenager would waste time doing this when they could just, I don't know, drink a four loko straight.

      December 23, 2010 at 10:46 pm |
      • Karl Blessing

        Why not, they'll ruin a good vodka with skittles if they got ahold of some.

        December 24, 2010 at 12:24 am |
    • bsrm

      Most schools let kids have water bottles. I think if a kid really wants to bring alcohol, they will. Plus, noone gets drunk at school because it'd be way too obvious. Teens have parties with alcohol all the time, that's the real center for drinking, not the school.

      December 28, 2013 at 10:28 pm |
  12. Bobby G.

    Print. Follow Directions. Munch. Yum.

    December 23, 2010 at 10:39 am |
  13. Tampa, Esq.

    Want. OMFG Want!

    So Thirsty.....

    December 23, 2010 at 10:20 am |
  14. Mike D.

    Wow... I love how CNN was all over Four Loko, reporting how a bunch of idiotic teens drank to much of it and became ill(if you drink to much of any alcoholic beverage you will get sick). Then they come up in here and post this crap? I laugh in your general direction.

    December 23, 2010 at 9:22 am |
  15. Robert F. Moss

    Perfect for that Four Lokovore in your family. Were they even edible?

    December 23, 2010 at 8:48 am |
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